September 9, 2024 • 1hr 13min
The Ultimate Advice for Your Next Chapter (After Your Kids Have Left Home)
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Key Takeaways
- Change is hard because you have to go through it - there's no avoiding the difficult parts of major life transitions
- Your body and mind are going through the process of unlearning old patterns and learning new ones during this transition
- Give yourself grace and time - it takes about a month or two to adjust to new routines and patterns
- Fill up your life with things that make you happy - it's your responsibility to create a fulfilling new chapter
- Get out of the house once a day to avoid becoming isolated
- Your adult child is not the solution to your emotional discomfort - avoid the urge to constantly reach out to them
- Support your child in solving their own problems rather than rescuing them
- Focus on improving yourself and pursuing your own interests if you're struggling with lack of purpose
- Address relationship issues head-on rather than avoiding them
- Remember you have "wings" and the ability to create an exciting new chapter in your life
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins discusses navigating the major life transition of becoming an "empty nester" when children leave for college. She shares personal experiences and advice for dealing with the emotional challenges, relationship issues, and sense of loss of purpose that can arise during this time. Mel reframes this transition as an opportunity for personal growth and creating an exciting new chapter in life.
Topics Discussed
Understanding the Process of Change (6:00)
Mel explains that major life changes like children leaving for college involve physiological, neurological, biological and psychological changes as we unlearn old patterns and learn new ones. She uses the analogy of plowing a new path through fresh snow to illustrate this process:
- Your body and mind are learning new pathways and patterns
- It feels unnerving because you're not used to it yet
- Give yourself grace and time - it takes about a month or two to adjust
- Remind yourself: "This is exactly what I should be feeling. I'm just learning a new pattern in my life."
Filling the "Empty Nest" (22:00)
Mel emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for filling your life with meaningful activities and relationships:
- Get out of the house once a day to avoid becoming isolated
- Reconnect with friends and be more social
- Pursue hobbies, classes, or projects you've been wanting to do
- Focus on improving yourself and your own interests
- "It's not time that changes things. It's what you do with that time that matters."
Managing Communication with Your Child (26:00)
Mel advises being mindful about how often you reach out to your child who has left for college:
- Resist the urge to constantly text or call them, especially in moments of discomfort
- Try waiting 30 minutes when you have the impulse to reach out
- Allow them space to adjust to their new life
- Your adult child is not the solution to your emotional discomfort
Three Common Challenges During This Transition (36:00)
Mel outlines three challenges that often arise and compound the difficulty of this life change:
- Realizing your entire sense of purpose was tied to your children
- Facing relationship issues (in marriage or as a single person) that were previously ignored
- Dealing with a child who is really struggling with the transition
Finding Purpose Beyond Parenting (41:00)
For those struggling with lack of purpose after children leave:
- Remember you are more than just a parent - that's only one role you play
- If you know what you want to pursue, take action towards it
- If unsure, focus on improving yourself or volunteer to help others
- Ask your kids what they think you should focus on in this new chapter
Addressing Relationship Issues (52:00)
Mel discusses how relationship problems often surface once children leave:
- For married couples:
- Only you can control what you change about yourself
- Both partners must want to work on the relationship
- Consider couples therapy if needed
- "I'm on my second marriage - it's just with the same person"
- For single parents:
- Take responsibility for creating your social life
- Make an effort to form new friendships
- Don't isolate yourself
Supporting a Struggling Child (58:00)
Mel provides advice for helping children who are having a hard time adjusting to college:
- Don't try to rescue them or solve all their problems
- Support them in finding their own solutions
- Ask "What do you think you should do?" when they come to you with issues
- Remind them of the resources available on campus
- For anxiety/depression, encourage them to face fears rather than avoid them
- Set boundaries on how much you'll entertain their rumination
Reframing the Empty Nest (1:04:00)
Mel shares a poetic text from her friend Kathy that beautifully captures the empty nest experience, comparing it to a bird's nest through different stages. Key ideas include:
- The nest represents the intense focus of parenting over many years
- Letting children leave is like nudging them out of the nest
- The empty nest can bring mixed emotions - sadness, peace, anxiety, etc.
- Parents now face a choice of how to use their "wings" in this new chapter
Conclusion
Mel concludes by reminding listeners that they are not alone in going through this transition. She encourages people to keep supporting each other and to remember that they have the ability to create an exciting and fulfilling new chapter in life, even if it feels difficult at first. The key is to spread your "wings" and take action to build the life you want, rather than remaining stuck in an empty nest.