February 13, 2025 • 50min
The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Key Takeaways
- Personal growth in relationships - Focus on your own growth rather than trying to change your partner. People only change when they feel like it.
- Communication is essential - Never expect your partner to read your mind. Clearly communicate your needs, expectations and why they matter to you.
- Outside pressure - A house divided cannot stand. Get on the same page with your partner about your values and approach before dealing with external pressures.
- Making time for connection - Carve out dedicated time each week for just the two of you, without distractions.
- Individual identity - Don't lose yourself in your marriage. The best way to improve your relationship is to invest in your own growth and happiness.
- Handling resentment - Address unmet expectations through clear communication rather than letting them build up into resentment.
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins and her husband Chris, who have been together for 30 years, answer listener questions about relationships. They share candid insights about maintaining a healthy partnership while navigating challenges like parenting disagreements, personal growth, family pressure, and maintaining individuality. Drawing from their own experiences, they offer practical advice for couples at any stage.
Topics Discussed
Personal Growth & Change in Relationships (4:18)
The episode opens with a question about how to handle when one partner is focused on personal growth while the other isn't. Mel emphasizes that you cannot force someone else to change - people only change when they feel like it.
- Focus on your own growth rather than trying to change your partner
- Your growth can influence but not force your partner's growth
- Pressure creates resistance to change
- There may come a point where you question compatibility vs commitment
Handling Family & Societal Pressure (16:53)
The discussion moves to dealing with external pressures from family and society on relationships. Mel introduces the concept that a "house divided cannot stand" - meaning external pressure can't tear you apart if you're united internally.
- Get aligned on values and parenting approaches first
- Create your own traditions while respecting family history
- Stand together against outside pressure
- Understand that family members may take different approaches personally
Making Time for Connection (19:50)
Addressing feeling distant after major life changes like having kids or moving, Chris and Mel share strategies for staying connected:
- Schedule dedicated weekly time together without distractions
- Explore new places/activities together
- Hold space in your calendar for connection
- Use life changes as opportunities to grow closer
Setting Boundaries & Personal Space (22:19)
The conversation turns to maintaining individuality and setting healthy boundaries around personal space in relationships.
- Clearly communicate your needs for alone time
- Create routines that give you space
- Collaborate on timing that works for both partners
- Don't expect partner to read your mind about space needs
Navigating Parenting Disagreements (24:45)
Mel and Chris share how they handle disagreements about parenting, using recent examples from their own experience:
- Understand your different problem-solving styles
- Use "maybe" instead of yes/no when need to discuss
- Have deeper conversations about why you disagree
- Get aligned on approach before responding to kids
Maintaining Individual Identity (31:17)
The discussion addresses feeling like you're losing yourself in marriage:
- Make yourself your purpose for personal growth
- Invest in your own happiness and interests
- Communicate needs for pursuing individual activities
- Remember you're not just someone's spouse
Managing Unmet Expectations (37:31)
Mel and Chris discuss how to handle disappointments and unmet expectations without letting them build into resentment:
- Clearly communicate your expectations
- Don't assume partner knows what you want
- Take responsibility for expressing your needs
- Understand different lived experiences shape expectations
Creating Your Relationship Together (43:27)
The episode concludes with insights about continuously creating your relationship:
- Treat each day as an opportunity for a "second marriage" with the same person
- Learn from every crisis or challenge
- Lean into each other rather than away
- Remember relationship is an organic thing that grows over time
Conclusion
The episode provides practical relationship advice focused on personal growth, clear communication, and intentional connection. Key themes include:
- Focus on your own growth rather than trying to change your partner
- Clearly communicate needs and expectations
- Make dedicated time for connection
- Maintain individual identity while growing together
- Address issues directly before they become resentment
- Create your relationship together each day
The overarching message is that successful relationships require both partners to invest in their own growth while maintaining open communication and intentionally creating opportunities for connection.