Loading...
August 8, 2024 • 1hr 3min
“The Secret of a Happy Relationship…” the Best Advice That I Have Received
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel is joined by relationship expert Matthew Hussey to discuss building and maintaining great romantic relationships. They cover advice for singles, those in relationships, and everything in between. Matthew has been coaching people on relationships for 17 years and brings deep insights from his experience.
“The Secret of a Happy Relationship…” the Best Advice That I Have Received
0:00
-0:00
Key Takeaways
- One of the biggest mistakes in relationships is taking your partner for granted and forgetting how special their qualities are after being together for a long time
- Focus on how a partner makes you feel, not how they make you look to others or on social media
- Compatibility goes beyond shared values - you need to want the same kind of life and future as your partner
- Express the deeper needs behind small requests to strengthen connection rather than just fighting over surface issues
- Lead with vulnerability and create your own dating culture rather than just mirroring toxic behaviors
- Go slow to go fast in dating - don't rush into relationships out of desperation
- Invest in expanding your social circles and joining new communities to meet more potential partners
- Have high standards for how you're treated, but be brave in instigating connection
- Work on your relationship with yourself and being content single before seeking a partner
Introduction
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel is joined by relationship expert Matthew Hussey to discuss building and maintaining great romantic relationships. They cover advice for singles, those in relationships, and everything in between. Matthew has been coaching people on relationships for 17 years and brings deep insights from his experience.
Topics Discussed
Biggest Mistakes in Relationships (6:54)
Matthew identifies one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships: taking their partner's wonderful qualities for granted over time. He explains:
"The things that your partner does that are actually wonderful, the things that they do that are their special qualities...you start to think those are just normal things that are to be expected or that anyone would do in a relationship."
- We normalize the amazing things our partner does and forget how special they are
- This can lead to not appreciating our partner enough
- It's important to step back and see your partner as an "enigma" again - rediscover what makes them unique and wonderful
Focusing on How a Partner Makes You Feel vs. Look (15:15)
Matthew discusses the importance of focusing on how a partner makes you feel rather than how they make you look to others:
- Many people seek partners who will impress others or look good on social media
- This is driven by ego and insecurity - feeling like you're not enough on your own
- When you truly feel like you're enough, you focus on finding someone who makes you happy rather than someone who makes you look good
- It's similar to seeking "cool" friends in school to boost your own status
Compatibility Beyond Shared Values (26:44)
Matthew explains that compatibility goes beyond just shared values:
- You need to want the same kind of life and future as your partner
- Having different visions for your lives is still a compatibility issue, even if you share values
- The "right person" needs to be both right and ready - wanting the same life as you
- Wishing your partner wanted the same things as you is "science fiction" - focus on reality
Expressing Deeper Needs (35:19)
Mel shares an example of how expressing deeper needs behind requests strengthened her relationship:
- Her husband was frustrated by her habit of stacking cardboard boxes by the door
- When he expressed how it made him feel unappreciated, she understood the deeper need
- Expressing the emotional impact of behaviors is more effective than just complaining
- This approach strengthens connection rather than creating conflict
Creating Your Own Dating Culture (55:41)
Matthew advises creating your own dating culture rather than just mirroring toxic behaviors:
- Many people adopt the existing dating culture out of fear
- Instead, be brave enough to create the culture you want to see
- Lead with the kind of energy and behavior you want to receive from others
- Example: Send a voice note instead of just texting to create more intimacy
- Have standards on the back end - if your efforts aren't reciprocated, back off
Going Slow to Go Fast in Dating (57:51)
Matthew emphasizes the importance of not rushing into relationships:
- Don't race to date someone just to have a relationship
- Take time to assess if someone is truly right for you
- Going slow initially helps you avoid wasting time on the wrong people
- Invest based on how much the other person invests in you
Expanding Social Circles (49:11)
Matthew advises expanding social circles to meet more potential partners:
- Don't rely solely on dating apps - they should be one of many "investments"
- Join new communities related to your interests (e.g. running club if you're a runner)
- New communities expose you to more potential partners and connections
- Look for ways to meet new people through existing activities and interests
Having High Standards While Being Brave (59:52)
Matthew discusses balancing high standards with bravery in dating:
- Be brave in instigating connection and creating the culture you want
- But also have firm standards for how you expect to be treated
- Model the behavior you want to see first, then mirror if it's not reciprocated
- Be willing to walk away if your needs aren't met, despite initial bravery
Working on Your Relationship with Yourself (48:58)
Matthew emphasizes the importance of being content single before seeking a partner:
- Get comfortable with where you are in life
- Work on being "happy enough" without a partner
- This allows you to say no to the wrong people and find the right person faster
- Avoid joining "whatever cult comes your way" out of desperation to escape loneliness
Conclusion
The conversation between Mel Robbins and Matthew Hussey provides valuable insights for improving romantic relationships at all stages. Key themes include:
- Appreciating your partner's unique qualities
- Focusing on how a partner makes you feel rather than look
- Ensuring true compatibility in life goals
- Expressing deeper needs to strengthen connection
- Creating a positive dating culture
- Taking time to find the right partner
- Expanding social circles
- Balancing high standards with bravery in dating
- Working on your relationship with yourself first
By applying these principles, listeners can work towards healthier, more fulfilling romantic relationships. The episode emphasizes that finding love starts with loving yourself and being willing to create the relationship culture you want to see.