September 12, 2024 • 42min
How to Make a Decision You Won’t Regret Later
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Key Takeaways
- Don't act out of guilt - Choose to spend time with family because it makes you proud of yourself, not because you feel obligated
- Create celebrations, don't wait for them - Take initiative to plan gatherings and visits rather than waiting for invitations or big events
- Step into your parents' world - Make an effort to understand their daily lives and support systems, especially if you live far away
- Accept people as they are - Let go of hoping others will change and learn to love them for who they are, not who you wish they would be
- You have the power to change relationships by changing how you show up, even if the other person doesn't change
- There's an invisible clock ticking - Prioritize time with loved ones while you can
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins shares the story of an unexpected 10-day stay with her parents for her father's 80th birthday, which ended up involving a surprise party and her father needing back surgery. Through this experience, Mel gained several important insights about family relationships, guilt, acceptance, and making the most of time with loved ones as they age.
Topics Discussed
Planning the Visit (0:00)
Mel describes deciding to visit her parents in Michigan for her father's 80th birthday, despite some resistance from them about the short duration of the trip. She explains:
- Her parents live in Michigan while she lives in Vermont, making visits challenging to coordinate
- There was a small window of time when Mel and her whole family could visit
- Her parents initially discouraged the short visit, saying it wasn't worth the trip
- Mel decided to go anyway because she wanted to be there for the milestone birthday
This leads to Mel's first key insight:
"There is a big difference between someone else thinking you're a good person or a good daughter or a good son, and you knowing that you are one."Mel emphasizes the importance of acting in ways that make you proud of yourself, rather than out of guilt or obligation.
Understanding Family Dynamics (14:02)
Mel reflects on the deeper emotions underlying family tensions around planning visits:
- Sadness and grief often underlie surface-level frustrations about scheduling
- Parents may express disappointment or irritation when they really just miss their children
- It's important to recognize these deeper feelings rather than getting caught up in petty arguments
She advises listeners to "take a beat" in tense moments and try to understand the deeper emotions at play.
Creating Celebrations (22:03)
Mel describes planning surprises for her father's birthday despite his insistence on not having a party:
- Ordered decorations and inflatable costumes to be shipped to her parents' house
- Coordinated with her mother to invite her father's golf buddies for a surprise gathering
- The party ended up being a big success, with her father smiling all night
This experience led to Mel's second key insight:
"You have to stop waiting for an invitation or a celebration, and you have to create it."Mel emphasizes the importance of taking initiative to plan gatherings and visits, rather than waiting for the perfect occasion or formal invitation.
The Importance of Clear Invitations (26:04)
Mel shares a story about her parents not attending an annual family beach trip because they hadn't received an explicit invitation:
- Mel had assumed her parents knew they were always invited to the annual trip
- Her parents didn't want to assume they were invited without being explicitly asked
- This miscommunication led to hurt feelings and missed family time
Mel advises listeners to be clear and direct with invitations, even for recurring events or with close family members. Don't assume others know they're invited.
Unexpected Health Issues (33:44)
Mel describes learning that her father had seriously injured his back playing pickleball and needed surgery:
- Her father, a former doctor, initially tried to manage the injury himself
- An MRI revealed he needed back surgery at age 80
- Mel immediately decided to extend her stay to support her parents through the surgery
This situation highlighted the importance of being flexible and prioritizing family in times of need.
Stepping Into Parents' World (35:44)
Mel reflects on the insights gained from spending an extended time at her childhood home:
- Realized how little she knew about her parents' day-to-day lives
- Saw how her parents had built a support system of friends since their children live far away
- Understood why her mother sometimes prioritized plans with local friends over short visits from her children
This experience led to Mel's third key insight about the importance of truly understanding your parents' world and perspective as they age.
Accepting People As They Are (39:45)
Mel discusses the challenge of accepting parents and family members as they are:
- Most people become more entrenched in who they are as they age, rather than changing
- It's futile to try to "manage" your parents or hope they'll fundamentally change
- Parents can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves
Mel shares a powerful quote from Dr. Ramani:
"One of the biggest things that stands in the way, not only of your healing, but of any relationship changing is the hope that someone else will change."She emphasizes that accepting people as they are allows you to decide how you want to show up in the relationship, regardless of the other person's behavior.
The Power to Change Relationships (43:47)
Mel concludes with an empowering message about improving relationships:
- You have the power to change relationships by changing how you show up
- Focus on living in a way that makes you proud of yourself
- Remember there's an invisible clock ticking - prioritize time with loved ones while you can
She encourages listeners to take responsibility for their own actions and choices in relationships, rather than waiting for others to change.
Conclusion
This episode offers valuable insights on navigating family relationships, especially as parents age. Mel emphasizes the importance of taking initiative, communicating clearly, accepting people as they are, and prioritizing quality time with loved ones. She encourages listeners to act in ways that make them proud of themselves, rather than out of guilt or obligation. By changing how we show up in relationships, we have the power to improve them, even if the other person doesn't change. Ultimately, Mel reminds us that time with loved ones is precious and encourages us to make the most of it while we can.