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September 2, 2024 • 1hr 6min
How to Get Motivated Even When You Don’t Feel Like It
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel interviews Dr. Alok Kanojia, also known as Dr. K, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist specializing in modern mental health and the impact of technology on the brain. Dr. K is the co-founder of Healthy Gamer, a mental health platform, and has a popular YouTube channel with over 2 million followers.
The episode focuses on unlocking motivation, understanding how the brain works, and learning to take control of our actions and responses. Dr. K shares insights from both neuroscience and Eastern philosophy to help listeners understand the mechanisms behind motivation and behavior change.
How to Get Motivated Even When You Don’t Feel Like It
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Key Takeaways
- Motivation is not a single thing - it comes from many different sources including emotions, sense of duty, ego, identity, and comparison to others
- We are often controlled by our minds and desires rather than being in control of them
- Focusing on outcomes and goals can actually decrease motivation - it's better to focus on the actions and process
- Anticipating the negative aspects of an action can help prepare you mentally and reduce resistance
- Willpower is about monitoring internal conflict, not eliminating it
- Awareness and understanding of our internal processes is key to changing behavior
- We should spend more time dwelling on and processing our actions, both positive and negative
- Many of our problems are "manufactured" in our minds - we have more control over our reactions than external circumstances
- The only thing we truly control is our own actions and responses, not outcomes or other people
Introduction
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel interviews Dr. Alok Kanojia, also known as Dr. K, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist specializing in modern mental health and the impact of technology on the brain. Dr. K is the co-founder of Healthy Gamer, a mental health platform, and has a popular YouTube channel with over 2 million followers.
The episode focuses on unlocking motivation, understanding how the brain works, and learning to take control of our actions and responses. Dr. K shares insights from both neuroscience and Eastern philosophy to help listeners understand the mechanisms behind motivation and behavior change.
Topics Discussed
Understanding Motivation (14:47)
Dr. K explains that motivation is not a single thing, but rather comes from many different sources including emotions, sense of duty, ego, identity, and comparison to others. He emphasizes that there is no "motivation center" in the brain.
A key insight is that trying to increase motivation is often counterproductive. Dr. K states: "The biggest mistake we make with motivation is that we try to increase it. And I know that sounds weird, but let's understand what motivation is. So let's say you're motivated to do something. Is it easy for you? Yes, that's a problem. That's not a solution, it's a problem."
- Relying on motivation makes us dependent on feeling good about an action
- This leaves us vulnerable when motivation inevitably fluctuates
- A better approach is to learn to act independently of motivation
Focusing on Actions vs Outcomes (35:10)
Dr. K introduces the concept of "detachment" from Sanskrit philosophy, which means divorcing ourselves from the outcomes of our actions. He explains why focusing on outcomes can be detrimental:
- When we focus on outcomes, we set ourselves up for disappointment
- Our brain makes an "action success calculation" - if we put in effort but don't see results, we learn that the effort wasn't worthwhile
- This leads to giving up on positive habits like exercise or healthy eating
Instead, Dr. K recommends focusing on the actions themselves, independent of outcomes. He states: "You call it a superpower. This is where I would say this should be the default state. So if you stop and think about it, Mel, what do you control in this life?"
Anticipating the Negative (36:42)
Dr. K introduces a counterintuitive technique for improving follow-through: anticipating the negative aspects of an action. He explains:
- Most people focus only on the positive when thinking about a goal
- This sets unrealistic expectations
- By anticipating difficulties, we're not caught off guard
- This helps "tame the brain" and separate action from pleasure/pain
Mel gives an example of using this technique with cold exposure therapy: "I hate it. And I do not try to motivate myself, so to speak, or get myself all hyped up. I'm literally like, this is going to blow. I'm going to do it. It's going to be 90 seconds of my life and I'm just getting in the d**n barrel."
Understanding Willpower (51:06)
Dr. K shares a fascinating insight about the nature of willpower, based on neuroscience research:
- Willpower is not about overcoming conflict, but monitoring it
- As long as we're aware of the internal conflict, willpower is active
- When we give up or succeed, the conflict disappears
This leads to an important realization, as Mel states: "What you just taught me, Doctor K, is you just taught us, no, willpower is conflict and the ability to stay in it."
The Importance of Understanding and Awareness (54:53)
Dr. K emphasizes that true behavior change comes from understanding rather than forcing ourselves to do things. He explains:
- Once we truly understand something, it becomes easier to do the right thing
- This is why addicts often have a moment of clarity that leads to lasting change
- We should focus on cultivating understanding rather than trying to force change
He recommends spending time dwelling on our actions and their consequences, both positive and negative. This helps reinforce positive behaviors and reduce negative ones.
Motivational Interviewing Technique (44:03)
Dr. K demonstrates a powerful technique called motivational interviewing, which can be used to help others (or ourselves) increase motivation for change. Key aspects include:
- Asking open-ended questions about how the person feels
- Reflecting back what you hear to show understanding
- Exploring ambivalence and internal conflicts
- Creating space for the person to articulate their own reasons for change
He emphasizes: "Anytime I push a human being, they will resist. That is human psychology, psychology 101."
Manufactured Problems and True Control (1:04:00)
In his closing remarks, Dr. K shares a powerful insight about the nature of our problems and what we truly control:
- Many of our problems are "manufactured" in our minds
- We often confuse what we can and can't control
- The only thing we truly control is our own actions and responses
He states: "I can't control whether I get into medical school, but I can control whether I beat myself up. And what is it that actually determines my success in life. It's not whether I get into medical school. It's whether I beat myself up. And that's the only thing that we can control."
Conclusion
This episode provides a profound exploration of motivation, willpower, and behavior change. Dr. K challenges many common assumptions about how to improve ourselves and offers a new paradigm based on understanding, awareness, and focusing on actions rather than outcomes.
Key lessons include:
- Stop trying to increase motivation and instead learn to act independently of it
- Focus on actions and processes rather than outcomes
- Anticipate difficulties to reduce resistance
- Understand that willpower is about monitoring conflict, not eliminating it
- Cultivate awareness and understanding of your internal processes
- Spend time dwelling on and processing your actions
- Recognize what you truly control (your actions and responses) vs. what you don't
By applying these insights, listeners can gain more control over their lives, reduce internal conflict, and move towards their goals more effectively. The episode emphasizes that true change comes from understanding ourselves better, rather than trying to force change through sheer willpower.