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August 15, 2024 • 46min
How to Figure Out What You Really Want: Use This Life-Changing Hack
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this episode, Mel Robbins guides listeners through a workshop designed to help them gain clarity on what they truly want in life. She emphasizes that knowing what you want is critical for creating direction and purpose, yet many people struggle to answer this fundamental question.
Mel introduces the "5 Whys" technique as a framework for digging deeper to uncover the root of our desires. She demonstrates this process through conversations with her sister-in-law Christine and daughter Sawyer, revealing how surface-level wants often mask deeper emotional needs and values.
The goal of the episode is to empower listeners with a practical tool for gaining self-awareness and conviction about their true desires, so they can take meaningful action in pursuit of what matters most.
How to Figure Out What You Really Want: Use This Life-Changing Hack
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Key Takeaways
- Knowing what you truly want is critical for creating direction and purpose in your life. Without clarity on what you want, you'll struggle to make progress.
- The "5 Whys" technique is a powerful tool for digging deeper and uncovering the root of what you really want and why.
- Often what we think we want on the surface level (e.g. a lake house) is not actually what we truly desire at a deeper level (e.g. more quality time with family).
- Getting clear on your true desires allows you to take action now rather than chasing after things that won't actually fulfill you.
- It's important to regularly reassess what you want as your priorities and circumstances change over time.
- Having the courage to get honest with yourself about what you truly want is a skill that can be developed.
- Sharing your deeper desires with loved ones can help create accountability and support for pursuing what matters most to you.
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins guides listeners through a workshop designed to help them gain clarity on what they truly want in life. She emphasizes that knowing what you want is critical for creating direction and purpose, yet many people struggle to answer this fundamental question.
Mel introduces the "5 Whys" technique as a framework for digging deeper to uncover the root of our desires. She demonstrates this process through conversations with her sister-in-law Christine and daughter Sawyer, revealing how surface-level wants often mask deeper emotional needs and values.
The goal of the episode is to empower listeners with a practical tool for gaining self-awareness and conviction about their true desires, so they can take meaningful action in pursuit of what matters most.
Topics Discussed
The Importance of Knowing What You Want (0:00)
Mel opens by emphasizing how critical it is to know what you truly want in life:
- Without clarity on your desires, you have no direction and life will pass you by
- Knowing what you want allows you to focus your time and energy effectively
- Only you can answer the question of what you want - no one else can do it for you
She states: "If you don't know what you really want, you're never going to get it. It's one of the top reasons why people stay stuck."
The "5 Whys" Technique (28:49)
Mel introduces the "5 Whys" technique as a powerful tool for uncovering your true desires:
- Ask yourself "What do I want?" then follow up with "Why?" 5 times
- Each "why" forces you to dig deeper to the root cause/emotion
- Helps reveal if what you think you want is actually masking a deeper desire
She explains this technique was developed by Sakichi Toyota in the 1930s and is still used by Toyota today for problem-solving.
Christine's Lake House Revelation (16:54)
Mel's sister-in-law Christine shares a powerful story of using the "5 Whys" technique:
- Initially said she wanted a lake house for family getaways
- Digging deeper revealed she actually wanted more quality time with her teenage sons before they leave home
- Realized she didn't need a lake house to achieve that - could prioritize family time now
Christine reflects: "This thing that seemed like it was like this wish dream thing really wasn't what I wanted. It was that I wanted the time with the boys and that I could have that now. I just needed to ask him for it and make that a priority."
Sawyer's New York Dream (31:12)
Mel's daughter Sawyer demonstrates the "5 Whys" process live:
- Initial desire: Move to New York City this year
- Deeper reasons uncovered through questioning:
- Fulfilling a lifelong dream
- Seeking a fresh start and new challenges
- Proving to herself she can do it
- Keeping a promise to her younger self
Sawyer realizes: "I feel like I made a lot of promises to myself as a little girl, and New York has always been one of them, so I'm ready."
Mel's Fantasy Novel Desire (38:33)
Mel applies the "5 Whys" to her own desire to write a fantasy novel:
- Initial desire: Write a fantasy novel series with her daughters
- Deeper reasons revealed:
- Yearning for a creative project without deadlines/demands
- Wanting to get lost in a fictional world
- Seeking an escape from constant work pressures
- Needing more time to herself away from obligations
Mel realizes: "I desperately need time to myself. Time away from work, time away from deadlines, time away from taking care of everybody else."
Applying the Insights (43:32)
Mel discusses how to use the deeper insights gained:
- Focus on addressing the core need/desire uncovered
- Look for ways to fulfill that need now, rather than chasing surface-level wants
- Make small changes to prioritize what truly matters (e.g. longer walks, more reading time)
She emphasizes: "When you know why you want it...that is a sense of direction. That is meaningful, that has purpose. That is profound."
Encouraging Listeners to Reflect (44:45)
Mel prompts listeners to apply the "5 Whys" to their own desires:
- Ask yourself what you really want and why repeatedly
- Allow yourself to have emotional revelations like the examples shared
- Look for ways to bring the deeper insight into your life now
She encourages: "What do you really want? Because when you can answer that question and you can answer why you want it, you know exactly what to do with your life."
Conclusion
Mel concludes by emphasizing the power of gaining clarity on what you truly want in life. She encourages listeners to use the "5 Whys" technique regularly to uncover their deeper desires and motivations. By understanding the root of what we want, we can take meaningful action to create more fulfillment and purpose in our lives.
The episode demonstrates that often what we think we want on the surface is masking a deeper emotional need or value. By having the courage to dig deeper and get honest with ourselves, we can identify what truly matters most. This clarity then allows us to make decisions and take actions aligned with our authentic desires.
Mel leaves listeners with a call to share the episode with loved ones, download the companion workbook, and have faith in their ability to figure out what they want and pursue it. She emphasizes that regularly reassessing our desires is important as our priorities evolve over time.
Ultimately, the episode provides a practical framework for gaining self-awareness and conviction about our true desires, empowering listeners to create more meaningful direction in their lives.