October 31, 2024 • 1hr 10min
Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Key Takeaways
- Death as a teacher: Thinking about death can help us live more authentically and purposefully in the present
- Three essential questions to reflect on: - Who did I love? - How did I love? - Was I loved?
- Legacy is not about money or accomplishments but about who you are as you accomplish things
- Grief doesn't go away but changes form over time and can be transformative
- End-of-life planning should be reviewed annually and can start with practical matters before deeper emotional/spiritual discussions
Introduction
In this profound episode, Mel Robbins sits down with death doula and bestselling author Alua Arthur to explore how embracing the reality of death can unlock deeper joy and purpose in life. Alua shares her journey of discovering death work after experiencing depression and a transformative encounter with a dying woman in Cuba. She explains how contemplating death can help us live more authentically and discusses practical ways to approach end-of-life conversations with loved ones.
Topics Discussed
Death as Life's Greatest Teacher (10:26)
Alua explains how death can be our greatest advisor and motivator in life. She emphasizes that thinking about death helps us:
- See clearly who we want to be
- Evaluate how we're spending our time
- Make changes if we're not pleased with our choices
Role of a Death Doula (13:18)
Alua describes her work as a death doula, explaining that they provide:
- Non-medical care and support for dying persons and their support circle
- Comprehensive end-of-life planning for healthy individuals
- Emotional, logistical, practical and spiritual support through the dying process
- Help for families in wrapping up affairs after death
Having End-of-Life Conversations (41:06)
The discussion explores how to approach difficult conversations about death with family members:
- Start with practical matters like possessions as an entry point to deeper discussions
- Use the death of celebrities or others as conversation starters
- Share your own thoughts and wishes to open dialogue
- Listen without judgment when others share their preferences
Legacy and How We're Remembered (1:12:02)
Alua shares insights about legacy:
- Legacy isn't optional - we're all leaving one every day
- Focus on who you are rather than what you accomplish
- Impact can come from small daily interactions
- Even those society might overlook can leave profound legacies
Dealing with Grief (1:03:06)
The conversation explores the nature of grief and how to process it:
- Grief doesn't end but transforms over time
- Allow yourself to feel all emotions, including anger
- Be honest about relationships rather than idealizing the deceased
- Use grief as a catalyst for personal growth and change
Three Essential Questions (57:59)
Alua shares three powerful questions to reflect on:
- Who did I love? - Examining our relationships and connections
- How did I love? - Evaluating the quality and authenticity of our love
- Was I loved? - Considering the impact and reciprocity in our relationships
End-of-Life Planning (15:55)
Practical advice for end-of-life planning includes:
- Review plans annually, ideally around your birthday
- Consider both practical and emotional aspects
- Document specific wishes for body disposition and ceremonies
- Communicate plans with loved ones
Conclusion
This profound conversation challenges listeners to embrace death as a teacher that can help us live more fully and authentically. Alua Arthur's insights remind us that contemplating our mortality isn't morbid - it's a powerful tool for creating a more meaningful life. Through practical advice about end-of-life planning and deeper reflections on legacy and grief, the episode provides a framework for using death awareness to enhance how we live today.
The discussion emphasizes that our legacy isn't about what we accomplish but who we are as we move through life. By facing death openly and honestly, we can make choices that align with our values and create the kind of life we'll be proud to look back on. As Alua suggests, perhaps the best final words we can hope to say are simply "thank you" - expressing gratitude for the gift of life itself.