Loading...
July 22, 2024 • 57min
3 Requirements of a Good Relationship
The Mel Robbins Podcast
In this episode, Mel Robbins discusses three fundamental truths about adult relationships that can lead to more harmony and less frustration when dealing with others. She explains why we often get frustrated trying to change others, and provides strategies for accepting people as they are while still maintaining healthy boundaries. The episode covers how to deal with people who complain or "wallow", what to do when your positive changes trigger negative reactions in others, and how to focus on your own growth rather than trying to control others.
3 Requirements of a Good Relationship
0:00
-0:00
Key Takeaways
- Three fundamental truths about adults:
- If they wanted to, they would. Adults only do what they feel like doing.
- You can't make someone else change. Adults only change when they are ready.
- Stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. Let adults be adults.
- Accepting these truths leads to more harmony, peace and power in relationships
- Your changes confront others, they don't inspire them - When you make positive changes, it forces others to examine their own choices
- Only 3% of people change when they feel forced vs. 37% when they believe it's their own idea
- Focus on managing your own energy and boundaries rather than trying to change others
- The "6 month rule" for dealing with people who wallow in negativity
- Protect your peace by accepting others as they are while still maintaining your own boundaries
Introduction
In this episode, Mel Robbins discusses three fundamental truths about adult relationships that can lead to more harmony and less frustration when dealing with others. She explains why we often get frustrated trying to change others, and provides strategies for accepting people as they are while still maintaining healthy boundaries. The episode covers how to deal with people who complain or "wallow", what to do when your positive changes trigger negative reactions in others, and how to focus on your own growth rather than trying to control others.
Topics Discussed
Three Fundamental Truths About Adults (2:00)
Mel introduces three key truths about adult relationships that are critical to understand:
- If they wanted to, they would. Adults only do what they feel like doing.
- You can't make someone else change. Adults only change when they are ready to change.
- Stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. Let adults be adults.
She explains that accepting these truths leads to more harmony, peace and power in relationships. It shifts the focus from trying to control others to managing your own energy and responses.
Dealing with People Who "Wallow" (29:22)
Mel introduces the "6 month rule" for dealing with people who constantly complain or wallow in negativity:
- Give people 6 months to wallow about a difficult situation (divorce, job loss, etc)
- After 6 months, set a boundary: "I'm no longer available to discuss this. I care about you and want to support you moving forward, but I won't enable you staying stuck."
- This boundary forces the person to either seek support elsewhere or start making changes
Mel emphasizes this isn't about changing the other person, but about changing what you're available for in the relationship.
How Your Changes Impact Others (39:36)
Mel discusses how making positive changes in your own life can negatively impact relationships:
- Your changes confront others, they don't inspire them - When you make positive changes, it forces others to examine their own choices
- This often leads to defensiveness, eye-rolling, or passive-aggressive behavior from others
- It's easier for people to attack your changes than look in the mirror at themselves
- "My side bias" - We tend to argue for our existing beliefs/behaviors rather than be open to change
Mel shares a personal example of how her husband's decision to stop drinking confronted her own relationship with alcohol.
The Science of Change (48:15)
Mel cites research on why lecturing or forcing change on others doesn't work:
- Only 3% of people change when they feel forced
- 37% of people change when they believe it's their own idea
She emphasizes the importance of asking questions and allowing others to come to their own realizations, rather than lecturing or pushing your agenda.
Strategies for Dealing with Resistance to Your Changes (52:16)
Mel provides advice for handling situations where your positive changes trigger negative reactions in others:
- Apologize if your enthusiasm made others feel judged
- Invite participation but don't force it
- Ask questions to open dialogue: "Why does this bother you?", "What about what I'm doing inspires you?", "Is there anything you'd want me to change?"
- Remember it's normal for your behavior changes to trigger others
- Focus on your own growth rather than changing others
Protecting Your Energy and Peace (54:16)
Mel emphasizes the importance of protecting your own energy and peace when making positive changes:
- Focus on what's making you happy rather than convincing others
- Allow your example to inspire others over time
- Set boundaries around how much you'll engage with negativity
- Remember that you're responsible for your own happiness
She shares an example of how her husband's positive morning routine has inspired her, without him ever pressuring her to change.
Conclusion
Mel concludes by reminding listeners that the goal is to empower and inspire others to want to make positive changes, not force change upon them. She encourages focusing on your own growth and protecting your peace, while bringing more understanding and compassion to relationships. By accepting others as they are and letting go of the need to change them, life becomes easier and relationships improve.