September 25, 2024 • 1hr 58min
#770: Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, and Find Your Deep Inner Voice
The Tim Ferriss Show
Key Takeaways
- No cherished outcomes: Elizabeth Gilbert tries to approach relationships and situations without specific expectations or desired outcomes, which allows for more openness and less disappointment.
- Self-compassion: Gilbert emphasizes the importance of being kind and compassionate towards oneself, especially when facing challenges or perceived failures.
- "Letters from Love" practice: Gilbert writes daily letters to herself from the perspective of unconditional love, which has been transformative for her mental health and self-perception.
- Boundaries and priorities: Setting clear boundaries and having a focused set of priorities helps Gilbert maintain a sense of calm and purpose.
- Mysticism and spirituality: Connecting to a higher power or spiritual dimension provides Gilbert with perspective and peace in difficult times.
- Purpose anxiety: Gilbert critiques the cultural pressure to have a singular life purpose and instead advocates for presence and openness to life's unfolding.
- Relaxed woman as radical concept: Gilbert sees cultivating a relaxed state of being, especially for women, as revolutionary in our stressed and busy culture.
- Comfort with mortality: Gilbert expresses a lack of fear around death, seeing it as a natural part of existence rather than something to be anxious about.
Introduction
In this episode, Tim Ferriss interviews Elizabeth Gilbert, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of books like Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic. Gilbert shares insights from her spiritual and creative practices, discusses her approach to relationships and self-compassion, and offers perspectives on purpose, presence, and mortality. The conversation explores Gilbert's "Letters from Love" practice, her views on mysticism, and her critique of purpose-driven narratives.
Topics Discussed
No Cherished Outcomes (7:14)
Gilbert introduces the concept of "no cherished outcomes," inspired by a Celtic poem of approach. This philosophy involves entering situations and relationships without specific expectations or desired results. She explains:
- It's an aspiration for friendships and interactions
- Helps reduce resentment and disappointment
- Can be more challenging in romantic relationships
"I have no cherished outcome" is a mantra Gilbert uses to remind herself to stay open and unattached to specific outcomes.
Self-Compassionate Ownership of Responsibility (12:27)
The conversation shifts to the balance between taking responsibility for one's life and being compassionate towards oneself. Key points include:
- The challenge of not blaming others for one's moods and experiences
- Recognizing the inherent difficulty of human existence
- Finding a middle ground between taking responsibility and self-compassion
Gilbert emphasizes the importance of acknowledging life's challenges: "It is a very difficult thing to have a human incarnation. This is not an easy ride. Even a good life is a hard life."
The Daily Practice of Writing Letters from Love (17:24)
Gilbert describes her transformative practice of writing daily letters to herself from the perspective of unconditional love:
- Started during a period of deep depression and divorce
- Involves writing what you most wish someone would say to you
- Can be seen as a form of two-way prayer or communication with a higher power
- Has profound effects on mental health and self-perception
She shares: "I've got you. I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere. I love you exactly the way you are. You can't fail at this."
Two-Way Prayer vs. One-Way Prayer (23:54)
Gilbert elaborates on the concept of two-way prayer, contrasting it with traditional one-way prayer:
- Involves both speaking and listening
- Can start by reading something inspiring or "holy" to open the channel
- Ask one question and then listen for a response
- The response often starts with an endearment (e.g. "My love," "My child")
She notes that even if it feels artificial at first, the practice can be powerful: "What if it is just you? What if all it is is just you writing to yourself from a kinder voice within you? Wouldn't that be worthy enough to be slightly life-changing?"
The Male Approach to This Practice (32:29)
Ferriss asks about gender differences in approaching this practice. Gilbert shares:
- While her audience skews female, she has seen powerful examples from men
- Cites the example of Arshay Cooper, a rower from Chicago's South Side, writing a tender letter to his younger self
- Suggests the practice can be powerful for anyone willing to be vulnerable
How Do You Feel Toward Yourself vs. About Yourself? (35:59)
Gilbert introduces a subtle but important distinction in self-reflection:
- Asking "How do you feel toward yourself?" vs. "How do you feel about yourself?"
- The former encourages a more compassionate, observant perspective
- Can lead to greater self-empathy and understanding
She notes: "You ask me how I feel about myself, I'll show you a list of everything that needs improvement... How do I feel toward myself? I'm like, oh, man, you're tired."
Understanding Self-Hatred to Foster Self-Friendliness (38:25)
The discussion turns to the prevalence of self-hatred and ways to cultivate self-friendliness:
- Gilbert shares a story about the Dalai Lama being shocked by Western self-hatred
- Emphasizes starting with basic kindness toward oneself
- Suggests reframing self-perception as a journey toward self-friendliness
Gilbert advises: "You could just start by being a little friendlier. You know what I mean? Like, how about the common courtesy you would show to a stranger on the subway?"
Setting Boundaries and Dealing with Those Who Refuse to Honor Them (44:52)
Gilbert discusses the importance of setting boundaries for personal well-being:
- Recognizing when certain relationships are consistently dysregulating
- Being honest about one's needs and limitations
- Sometimes needing to distance oneself from toxic relationships
She shares a powerful perspective: "I'm not skilled enough to be able to hold my serenity when I'm around them. I lose the hard-earned peace that I try to generate every day."
Why (and How) Elizabeth Avoids Big Family Holiday Gatherings (51:47)
Gilbert explains her choice to avoid large family holiday gatherings:
- Finds them stressful and filled with expectations
- Prefers one-on-one time with family members at other times
- Values quiet, solitary holidays
She emphasizes the importance of recognizing what truly brings joy and peace.
Comfort in Solitude (53:47)
Gilbert discusses her comfort with solitude and being alone:
- Enjoys her own company and living alone
- Finds great joy in solitary creative work
- Balances solitude with rich social connections
She shares: "My most joyful moments of my life have been alone with my work."
Boundaries, Priorities, and Mysticism: A Relaxed Woman as a Radical Concept (59:24)
Gilbert introduces the idea of a "relaxed woman" as a revolutionary concept:
- Contrasts with common descriptors like "badass," "fierce," or "resilient"
- Emphasizes the rarity of truly relaxed women in our culture
- Outlines three key elements for cultivating relaxation: boundaries, priorities, and mysticism
She poses a powerful question: "If you were to go into that same exact s**t tornado tomorrow and not one external thing changed, but you were relaxed, would you be more or less effective at handling it?"
What Mysticism Brings to Elizabeth's Reality (1:05:34)
Gilbert elaborates on the role of mysticism in her life:
- Provides a broader perspective beyond the material world
- Helps cultivate a sense of ease and trust in life
- Allows for a deeper connection to something greater than oneself
She shares a powerful insight: "You don't even know what you're looking at. And it just pierces my certainty, because my certainty is one of the things that makes me so anxious."
A Better Question to Ask Than "What Do I Want?" (1:08:58)
Gilbert suggests reframing how we approach life decisions:
- Questions the effectiveness of always pursuing what we want
- Proposes asking "What would you have me know?" instead
- Emphasizes openness to guidance and unexpected directions
Elizabeth's Hard-A*s Approach to Project Commitment (1:11:04)
Gilbert describes her disciplined approach to creative projects:
- Commits fully to projects once she starts them
- Resists the temptation of new ideas mid-project
- Thoroughly vets ideas before committing to them
She advises: "Stick with the one you came to the dance with."
Creativity Guidance from Elizabeth's Higher Power (1:18:12)
Gilbert shares how she receives creative guidance:
- Often feels a sense of mandate or instruction for certain projects
- Trusts in a higher power's direction for her creative work
- Balances this guidance with her own discipline and commitment
How The Morning Pages Influenced Eat, Pray, Love (1:22:40)
Gilbert credits Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" and its morning pages practice for inspiring "Eat, Pray, Love":
- The practice revealed her deep desire to learn Italian
- Led to her taking Italian classes and eventually traveling to Italy
- Demonstrates how creative practices can uncover hidden desires and paths
More Productive Questions to Ask Than "Why?" (1:25:59)
Gilbert suggests alternatives to asking "why" in spiritual or creative contexts:
- Proposes questions starting with "how," "who," or "what" instead
- Finds these questions more likely to yield helpful guidance
- Emphasizes action and direction over explanation
The Pointlessness of Purpose Anxiety (1:27:48)
Gilbert critiques the cultural obsession with finding one's purpose:
- Questions the pressure to have a singular, world-changing purpose
- Suggests this mindset can lead to anxiety and dissatisfaction
- Proposes focusing on presence and openness instead
She offers a liberating perspective: "You'll be notified" when you're needed for something important.
Balancing Presence with Other Aspects of a Well-Lived Life (1:32:31)
The conversation explores how to balance presence with other life goals:
- Acknowledges the value of presence and mindfulness
- Discusses potential pitfalls of over-emphasizing presence
- Suggests finding a personal balance that feels authentic and meaningful
Comfort with Mortality (1:37:49)
Gilbert shares her perspective on death and mortality:
- Expresses a lack of fear around death
- Sees death as a natural and potentially peaceful transition
- Suggests that life can feel more challenging than the idea of death
She reflects: "This place feels a lot weirder to me than death. Like, this planet's bananas, you know?"
What Motivates Elizabeth's "Letters from Love" Newsletter? (1:41:53)
Gilbert explains her motivation for starting her newsletter:
- Desire to move away from social media's negative aspects
- Seeking a more intentional way to connect with readers
- Creating a space for sharing her "Letters from Love" practice
What Can Potential Readers Expect from This Newsletter? (1:43:01)
Gilbert outlines what subscribers can expect:
- Weekly letters exploring self-compassion and love
- Guest contributions from various inspiring individuals
- A supportive community forming around the practice
She describes it as "the kindest corner of the Internet."
Conclusion
Elizabeth Gilbert's conversation with Tim Ferriss offers a rich exploration of self-compassion, creativity, and spirituality. Her practices of writing "Letters from Love" and cultivating a relaxed approach to life provide powerful tools for personal growth and well-being. Gilbert's perspectives on purpose, presence, and mortality challenge conventional wisdom and offer fresh insights for living a meaningful life. The discussion underscores the importance of self-kindness, setting