September 11, 2024 • 1hr 43min
#767: Tim and Uncle Jerry Tackle Life, Big Questions, Business, Parenting, and Disco Duck
The Tim Ferriss Show
Key Takeaways
- The question "How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?" is a powerful tool for self-reflection and growth. It's important to understand the difference between complicity and responsibility.
- Guilt can be a defense mechanism that prevents us from doing the hard work of truly understanding our role in situations. Remorse, focused on others, is often more productive than self-focused guilt.
- Creating space and taking breaks from busyness is important, but it's also normal to feel uncomfortable with void and emptiness at first. The key is learning to be comfortable with it over time.
- For parenting, key principles include: 1) You can't spoil children with love, 2) Give them words to express themselves, 3) Model openness and listening. Apologizing to your children when you make mistakes is also powerful.
- Legacy isn't just about what you leave behind, but how you impact yourself, your family, and the world during your lifetime. Small positive impacts that ripple outward can be meaningful.
- Reading fiction and poetry can provide powerful insights into the human condition. Some recommended books include Call It Sleep by Henry Roth and works by Wendell Berry.
- Laughter and human connection are vital, especially in difficult times. Making time for fun, games, and levity is important for wellbeing.
Introduction
In this episode, Tim Ferriss interviews Jerry Colonna, CEO and co-founder of Reboot.io, an executive coaching and leadership development firm. Colonna is the author of Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up and Reunion: Leadership and the Longing to Belong. The conversation covers a wide range of topics including self-reflection, parenting, legacy, and finding meaning and connection in life.
Topics Discussed
The Power of Self-Reflection (09:17)
Colonna discusses the origins and importance of the question "How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?" He explains:
- The question originated from his therapist challenging him to examine his own role in situations he complained about
- It's important to distinguish between complicity and responsibility - complicity implies being an accomplice rather than taking full blame
- "When we get into our mindset that says I am responsible for all the s**t in my life, we're actually walking away from doing the hard work," Colonna explains
- The goal is to understand your role with discernment, not to take on excessive guilt or blame
Guilt vs. Remorse (56:55)
Colonna explores the difference between guilt and remorse:
- Guilt is self-focused and often unproductive, while remorse is focused on others and learning
- Guilt can be a defense mechanism that prevents real growth and change
- The key is to decouple your sense of self-worth from specific actions - good people can do bad things and still learn and grow
Creating Space and Dealing with Busyness (15:16)
Tim and Jerry discuss the challenges of creating space and taking breaks from constant busyness:
- Tim shares his fear of creating void or empty space, based on past experiences with depression
- Jerry acknowledges it's normal to feel uncomfortable with emptiness at first
- The goal is to gradually become more comfortable sitting with yourself and your thoughts
- Physical activities like Tim's upcoming elk hunting trip can be restorative ways to create mental space
Parenting Insights (1:13:31)
Colonna shares key principles he's learned about effective parenting:
- "You cannot spoil children with love. You can spoil them with things, but you cannot spoil them with love."
- "Give them words" - help children develop language to express their feelings and experiences
- Model openness and listening for your children
- Be willing to apologize to your children when you make mistakes
- "The best of all the accomplishments I've ever done, the best has been becoming the father that I needed as a child."
Legacy and Impact (1:01:54)
The conversation explores ideas around legacy and having a positive impact:
- Legacy isn't just about what you leave behind after death, but how you impact yourself, family, and the world during your lifetime
- Small positive impacts that ripple outward can be meaningful, even if not remembered long-term
- Colonna shares examples of readers telling him "your story is my story" - showing the universal nature of human experiences
- "When you lean into the questions that you need answered in your own life, you end up positively impacting other people," Colonna observes about Tim's podcast
Books and Fiction Recommendations (1:26:16)
Jerry shares some book recommendations and thoughts on the power of fiction:
- Call It Sleep by Henry Roth - a powerful novel about immigrant experiences
- Works by Wendell Berry, especially his Port William series
- The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts
- Fiction and poetry can provide deep insights into the human condition
Laughter and Human Connection (1:32:53)
The conversation concludes with reflections on the importance of laughter and connection:
- Colonna emphasizes the value of laughter in their conversation, especially given the challenges in the world
- Making time for fun, games, and levity is vital for wellbeing
- Human connection remains crucial, even (or especially) in difficult times
Conclusion
This wide-ranging conversation between Tim Ferriss and Jerry Colonna covers deep topics around self-reflection, personal growth, parenting, and finding meaning in life. Key themes include the importance of understanding our own role in creating our life circumstances, balancing introspection with forward momentum, and cultivating human connection and joy even amidst life's challenges. Colonna's insights, drawn from his experiences as a coach, parent, and human being, offer valuable perspective on living a more conscious and fulfilling life.