January 2, 2025 • 2hr 6min
#884 - Nick Pollard - How To Stop Being Such A People Pleaser
Modern Wisdom
Key Takeaways
- People pleasing stems from a deep sense of not being enough - This drives the compulsion to seek validation and acceptance from others
- Boundaries are about making your needs equal to everyone else's - Not about putting yourself first, but achieving equality
- People pleasers tend to be liars - Saying yes when they mean no and being inauthentic to avoid conflict
- Recovery requires sitting with discomfort - Learning to feel emotions without immediately trying to fix them
- Initial loneliness is common but temporary - Setting boundaries often means losing superficial relationships before building authentic ones
Introduction
Nick Pollard, known as "The People Displeaser," is a coach who helps people break free from people-pleasing tendencies and learn to advocate for their own needs. In this episode, he discusses why people pleasing is such a trap, how to distinguish between being considerate versus sacrificing identity to please others, and practical strategies for rehabilitation.
Topics Discussed
Understanding the People Pleasing Trap (00:00)
- Social media has created an environment of constant comparison to others
- People pleasers often have one highly involved parent and one absent/abusive parent
- The behavior stems from childhood coping mechanisms that persist into adulthood
- "You don't have to hate where you are to want to be better"
Key Behaviors and Warning Signs (04:11)
- Common behaviors include:
- Chronic dishonesty (saying yes when meaning no)
- Lack of free time due to overcommitment
- Prioritizing others' needs above own
- Financial strain from giving to others
- Lack of genuine connected relationships despite appearing social
- Difficulty maintaining same-s*x friendships
The Role of Self-Worth and Identity (40:50)
People pleasers often struggle with:
- Not knowing their own opinions or desires
- Feeling disconnected from successes
- Basing self-worth on external validation
- "When you do it long enough, you don't become agreeable because you don't care - you become agreeable because you don't know"
Understanding and Setting Boundaries (1:05:40)
- Key principles of boundaries:
- About how you show up, not controlling others
- Based on personal values
- Making needs equal, not superior
- Create a personal "Bill of Rights" defining what you will/won't accept
- Boundaries don't require immediate enforcement - can defer difficult conversations
Managing Emotions and Triggers (1:44:36)
- Distinguish between genuine triggers and mere discomfort
- Take responsibility for emotional responses
- Use breathing techniques to reset nervous system
- "Your triggers are your responsibility"
The Recovery Process (1:34:47)
- Initial phase often includes:
- Increased loneliness as superficial relationships fall away
- Discomfort with saying no
- Learning to sit with difficult emotions
- Focus on small wins and building self-trust
- Expect resistance from others as you change
Recommended Resources (2:02:56)
- Key books:
- "Not Nice" by Aziz Gaspar
- "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover
- "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck
- Working with others going through similar challenges
- Regular journaling and self-reflection
Conclusion
Breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies requires understanding the root causes, learning to set and maintain boundaries, and being willing to experience temporary discomfort for long-term authenticity. While the journey can be challenging and lonely at times, the end result is a more genuine and fulfilling life where you can maintain healthy relationships while honoring your own needs and values.