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August 17, 2024 • 1hr 32min
#826 - Jonny Miller - How To Stop Feeling So Frustrated All The Time
Modern Wisdom
In this episode of Modern Wisdom, host Chris Williamson interviews Jonny Miller, a writer, nervous system coach and podcaster. They explore the challenges of feeling and processing emotions, especially for men conditioned to suppress them. Miller shares insights from his personal journey of grief and emotional exploration, as well as techniques he's found helpful for developing greater emotional awareness and regulation.
The conversation covers a wide range of topics related to emotions, the nervous system, and personal growth. Miller offers a fresh perspective that challenges some common assumptions in the personal development world, emphasizing the importance of creating safety to feel all emotions rather than trying to "fix" or eliminate difficult feelings.
#826 - Jonny Miller - How To Stop Feeling So Frustrated All The Time
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Key Takeaways
- Emotions are not inherently bad or dangerous - learning to feel and process emotions in a healthy way is key to wellbeing and personal growth
- Many people, especially men, struggle with emotional numbness due to cultural conditioning and lack of safety in expressing emotions
- Interoception (awareness of internal bodily sensations) is foundational for developing emotional intelligence and regulation
- Self-regulation techniques like breathwork can help calm the nervous system and create safety to feel emotions
- Emotional fluidity - the ability to experience the full spectrum of emotions - leads to a richer, more fulfilling life
- The personal development industry often starts from a flawed premise that something is broken and needs fixing, rather than supporting natural unfolding
- High agency and intentionality are supported by emotional awareness and regulation, not suppression
- Practices like NSDR, somatic therapy, and breathwork can help develop emotional capacity and nervous system regulation
- The goal is reducing the "half-life of reactivity" - being able to process emotions more quickly and return to baseline
- Embracing the full spectrum of emotions adds richness and color to life, rather than living in emotional "black and white"
Introduction
In this episode of Modern Wisdom, host Chris Williamson interviews Jonny Miller, a writer, nervous system coach and podcaster. They explore the challenges of feeling and processing emotions, especially for men conditioned to suppress them. Miller shares insights from his personal journey of grief and emotional exploration, as well as techniques he's found helpful for developing greater emotional awareness and regulation.
The conversation covers a wide range of topics related to emotions, the nervous system, and personal growth. Miller offers a fresh perspective that challenges some common assumptions in the personal development world, emphasizing the importance of creating safety to feel all emotions rather than trying to "fix" or eliminate difficult feelings.
Topics Discussed
The Challenge of Feeling Emotions (4:03)
Miller reflects on growing up in England with a cultural expectation of stoicism and emotional suppression, especially for men. He describes realizing he was "numb from the neck down" and out of touch with his emotions for much of his life.
Williamson relates to this, noting the pressure to appear strong and competent, especially in environments like nightlife where emotions are seen as weakness. Miller explains:
"I think it really does come down to feeling safe in our bodies and having permission from ourselves and other people that it's okay to feel."
- Many people learn early on that it's not safe to express certain emotions
- This leads to emotional numbness and limited emotional range
- Creating safety is key to expanding emotional capacity
Interoception and Emotional Awareness (11:56)
Miller introduces the concept of interoception - awareness of internal bodily sensations - as foundational for developing emotional intelligence. He explains:
"Every time you have an emotion, it's not just a thought. A lot of people think, oh, I'm angry because I have the story that this guy was a d**k to me. But with every emotion, there's a corresponding kind of somatic marker."
- Interoception allows us to notice subtle body sensations that precede full-blown emotional reactions
- This creates a "choice point" to regulate or process the emotion
- Practices like body scans and meditation can improve interoception
Self-Regulation Techniques (38:11)
Miller discusses various techniques for calming the nervous system and creating safety to feel emotions:
- Breathwork - practices like 4-4-8 breathing activate the parasympathetic nervous system
- Humming - releases nitric oxide and has an instant calming effect
- Expanding awareness to the space around you
- Co-regulation through physical touch or connection with others
He emphasizes that down-regulation is a skill that can be developed with practice, allowing faster returns to baseline after activation.
Emotional Fluidity (50:38)
Miller describes emotional fluidity as "welcoming the full spectrum of our experience." He notes that most people are only comfortable with a limited range of emotions, avoiding or suppressing others.
- Expanding emotional range adds richness to life
- All emotions serve a purpose and provide valuable information
- Resistance to emotions often causes more suffering than the emotion itself
He shares a powerful realization: "When that [resistance] goes away, the actual emotion, it feels so f**king good. And not just joy, not just excitement...but like, even the sadness. There's this, like, real beautiful tenderness and this, like, rawness and feeling connected to myself, to the world around me."
Breathwork for Emotional Processing (56:37)
Miller explains how breathwork can be used as a tool for emotional exploration and release:
- Creates a container for emotions to arise safely
- Allows processing of pre-verbal or unconscious emotional material
- Helps retrain the nervous system to feel emotions without overwhelm
He emphasizes the importance of staying present with the experience rather than dissociating, and allowing time for integration afterwards.
The Personal Development Industry (1:22:40)
Miller critiques the premise of much of the personal development industry:
"The self development industry, the self improvement paradigm is flawed in that it starts from the premise that something in you is broken, something in you needs fixing."
- This creates resistance and limits potential growth
- A better approach is "self-unfoldment" - trusting natural growth processes
- Growth happens organically when we remove obstacles, not by forcing change
Practices for Emotional Development (1:26:25)
Miller offers suggestions for people wanting to develop greater emotional awareness and regulation:
- NSDR (Non-Sleep Deep Rest) - improves interoception and down-regulation
- Regular check-ins using the "APE" acronym (Awareness, Posture, Emotion)
- Somatic therapy approaches like Somatic Experiencing
- Breathwork practices, especially conscious connected breathing
- Men's groups or other containers for emotional exploration
He emphasizes approaching practices with "courageous curiosity" rather than a fixing mentality.
High Agency and Emotions (11:56)
Miller connects emotional awareness to the concept of high agency - the ability to act intentionally in the world:
"What gets in the way of intentionality? Our reactive tendencies. So if I have an intention to ask a girl out or have an intention to start a business, but the intensity of that situation causes me to either go into anxiety, overwhelm, worry, or collapse and shut down...then it's going to be really hard for me to follow through with any of these intentions, and thereby I will be a low agency human."
- Emotional regulation supports following through on intentions
- Expanding capacity to be with intensity increases agency
- Identifying somatic markers of reactivity allows for earlier intervention
Conclusion
This wide-ranging conversation offers a fresh perspective on emotions and personal growth. Miller makes a compelling case for the importance of developing emotional awareness, regulation skills, and the capacity to feel the full spectrum of human emotions.
Key themes include:
- Creating safety to feel all emotions rather than suppressing "negative" ones
- Using bottom-up approaches like breathwork to regulate the nervous system
- Expanding emotional range as a path to a richer, more fulfilling life
- Challenging the "fixing" mentality of much personal development
- Supporting natural growth processes through curiosity and presence
For listeners interested in exploring these ideas further, Miller recommends practices like NSDR, somatic therapy, and breathwork. He also invites people to check out his Nervous System Mastery course for a structured approach to developing these skills.
Ultimately, the conversation points towards a more integrated approach to personal growth - one that honors the wisdom of the body and embraces the full spectrum of human emotional experience.