June 1, 2024 • 2hr 1min
#791 - Dr Robert Glover - Why Most Men Fail To Attract A Quality Woman
Modern Wisdom
Key Takeaways
- Make your needs a priority - Many men subjugate their own needs, believing this will help them get their needs met. However, this often backfires. Learning to prioritize your own needs is crucial for wellbeing and healthy relationships.
- Practice being the observer, not the believer of your thoughts - Our ruminating minds can create negative thought patterns that we believe to be true. Learning to step back and observe thoughts rather than automatically believing them is key.
- Confidence comes from not seeking approval - True confidence with women comes from being comfortable in your own skin and not seeking their approval. Focus on living a purposeful life you enjoy rather than trying to impress women.
- Be outcome agnostic in dating - Attachment to specific outcomes causes suffering. Practice being equally okay with any outcome when interacting with women. This reduces anxiety and allows you to be more present.
- End relationships sooner rather than later - If you realize someone is not right for you long-term, it's better to end things early rather than dragging it out. This saves both people pain and heartache in the long run.
Introduction
In this episode, host Chris Williamson interviews Dr. Robert Glover, a therapist, coach and author known for his work on the "Nice Guy Syndrome." They discuss dating, relationships, and how men can develop more confidence and authenticity. Key topics include why men often subjugate their own needs, how to stop negative thought patterns, building genuine confidence with women, and navigating the modern dating landscape.
Topics Discussed
Why Men Subjugate Their Needs (3:53)
Dr. Glover explains that many men learn from a young age to suppress their own needs in an attempt to get those needs met. This often stems from inconsistent or incompetent caregivers in childhood. Men internalize the belief that if they take care of others' needs first, eventually their own needs will be met. However, this strategy rarely works in adulthood.
To start prioritizing your own needs, Dr. Glover recommends:
- Giving to yourself first before giving to others
- Paying attention to your basic needs like sleep, nutrition, and healthcare
- Doing things you enjoy without feeling guilty
- Surrounding yourself with people who support you meeting your needs
As Dr. Glover states: "If our bucket is full and overflowing, we have so much more to give to everybody else. I, like a lot of people for a long time, was trying to give from an empty bucket."
Overcoming Negative Thought Patterns (29:07)
Dr. Glover discusses how our ruminating minds can create negative thought patterns that we believe to be true. He explains three common directions ruminating thoughts tend to go:
- Rehashing past mistakes and regrets
- Measuring ourselves against arbitrary standards
- Worrying about future outcomes
To overcome these patterns, he recommends:
- Practice being the observer, not the believer of your thoughts
- Use mindfulness techniques to step back from thoughts
- Challenge negative beliefs rather than automatically accepting them
- Focus on the present moment rather than dwelling on past or future
As Dr. Glover states: "Unfortunately, if we've thought something for long enough, a belief is nothing but an oft repeated thought. If you've thought that thought enough times, you're convinced it's true."
Building Genuine Confidence with Women (1:35:45)
Dr. Glover explains that true confidence with women comes from not seeking their approval. He recommends:
- Focus on living a purposeful life you enjoy rather than trying to impress women
- Be socially engaged and talk to everyone, not just attractive women
- Practice saying "yes" to opportunities and new experiences
- Don't hold back - be uninhibited and authentic in your interactions
He states: "There's just something about being comfortable in your own skin, you having a life of purpose, know where you're going, enjoying that path, enjoying where you're going. I think it makes you attractive to all things - men, women, opportunity, money, adventure."
Navigating Modern Dating (1:40:28)
Dr. Glover discusses some of the challenges of modern dating, including:
- The impact of #MeToo on men's dating behavior
- How social media and dating apps have changed dynamics
- The difficulty of forming real connections in hookup culture
His advice for men getting back into dating after a breakup or divorce:
- Become a "better picker" - be more discerning about potential partners
- Become a "better ender" - end incompatible relationships sooner
- Be upfront about your intentions and relationship goals
- Don't continue casual relationships if you sense the woman is getting attached
On ending relationships, he advises: "As soon as you realize a person is not somebody that you can't imagine yourself not being with, it's probably a good time to stop it."
Being Outcome Agnostic in Dating (1:46:55)
Dr. Glover explains the importance of being "outcome agnostic" in dating interactions:
- Attachment to specific outcomes causes suffering and anxiety
- Practice being equally okay with any outcome when interacting with women
- This allows you to be more present and relaxed
- You can still have preferences without being attached to them
He states: "If you have fewer attachments, you might actually be more engaging and not so anxious...What if you were equally okay with every possible outcome?"
Conclusion
Dr. Glover provides valuable insights on how men can develop more confidence, authenticity and success in dating and relationships. Key themes include making your own needs a priority, overcoming negative thought patterns, building genuine confidence, and navigating modern dating challenges. By focusing on personal growth and being comfortable with yourself, rather than seeking approval from others, men can create more fulfilling relationships and lives overall.