May 30, 2024 • 1hr 23min
#790 - Vienna Pharaon - How To Overcome A Difficult Childhood
Modern Wisdom
Key Takeaways
- The past is not the past if it's unresolved - Unwanted patterns in our adult lives that we can't shake are often due to unresolved issues from our past, especially from our family of origin
- Five key emotional wounds from childhood: worthiness, belonging, prioritization, trust, and safety
- Origin healing process: 1) Acknowledge the wound, 2) Witness and grieve the experience, 3) Create new boundaries/communication patterns
- Self-compassion is crucial for healing - You can't heal from a self-critical place, only from a self-compassionate one
- Reactivity points to areas needing resolution - Where we are most reactive in life indicates where we need to focus our healing work
- Small steps matter - Healing is a lifelong process of making tiny shifts over time, not about perfection
- Boundaries need balance - Healthy boundaries balance protecting yourself and connecting with others
Introduction
In this episode, host Chris Williamson interviews Vienna Pharaon, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of "The Origins of You". They discuss how unresolved issues from our past, especially our family of origin, can create unwanted patterns in our adult lives. Vienna explains her framework of five key emotional wounds from childhood and outlines a process for healing these wounds to create healthier relationships and communication patterns.
Topics Discussed
The Impact of Unresolved Past Issues (4:02)
Vienna explains that unwanted patterns in our adult lives that we can't shake, no matter how much we try, are often due to unresolved issues from our past tugging at us. She focuses particularly on issues stemming from our family of origin:
- As children, we often don't process difficult experiences, we just survive them
- This leaves unresolved issues that manifest as problematic patterns in adulthood
- Resolving these issues allows us to break free from repeating patterns
"The unwanted patterns in our adult lives that we can't shake, no matter how much we try, is the irresolution from the past really tugging at our coattails, wanting us to turn back around." - Vienna Pharaon
Understanding Family Systems (5:59)
Vienna describes family systems as the significant players in our early lives who shaped our understanding of:
- How to communicate
- How to navigate conflict
- What's expected of us
- Our sense of worth, value, and belonging
- Whether we can trust important people in our lives
- Whether we feel safe and secure
She notes that family systems aren't just blood relatives, but can include other significant adults like neighbors or long-term partners of parents.
The Five Emotional Wounds (8:09)
Vienna outlines five key emotional wounds that can develop in childhood:
- Worthiness - Feeling your value is conditional on performance or pleasing others
- Belonging - Feeling you must conform to be accepted
- Prioritization - Not feeling important to important people in your life
- Trust - Difficulty trusting others due to past betrayals or inconsistency
- Safety - Lack of physical, emotional, or psychological safety in childhood
She emphasizes that these wounds don't fit into neat categories - how an experience impacts someone depends on how they internalize it.
Resistance to Examining the Past (10:26)
Vienna discusses why people often resist examining their past:
- Fear of opening "Pandora's box"
- Belief that parents "did their best"
- Comparing traumas and feeling one's issues aren't significant enough
- Not identifying with the word "trauma"
She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging even seemingly small wounds, as they can significantly impact our life trajectory.
The Origin Healing Process (1:03:23)
Vienna outlines her three-step process for healing childhood wounds:
- Acknowledge the wound and its impact
- Witness and grieve the experience
- Make contact with the younger version of yourself
- Allow authentic expression of emotion
- Create new patterns in boundaries, communication, and conflict resolution
She emphasizes that this process creates space between stimulus and response, allowing for more conscious choices in relationships.
Boundaries in Relationships (1:13:28)
Vienna discusses the spectrum of boundaries:
- Porous boundaries - Prioritizing connection over self-protection
- Healthy boundaries - Balancing connection and self-protection
- Rigid boundaries - Prioritizing self-protection over connection
She notes that rigid boundaries are often underexplored but can be just as damaging to relationships as porous ones. The goal is to develop discernment in when to lower or raise boundaries with different people.
Making Changes Stick (1:18:24)
Vienna advises lowering expectations for change:
- Healing is lifelong work, not about perfection
- Focus on small shifts and improvements over time
- Celebrate small victories, like leaving an unhealthy situation sooner
- Practice noticing patterns and making different choices
"This isn't about raising your bar. This isn't about having some outcome that looks shiny and beautiful and all the things. This is about recognizing that this work we know is lifetime work, and that sometimes the big steps are really just these little budges that happen." - Vienna Pharaon
Developing Self-Compassion (1:22:10)
To develop more self-compassion, Vienna recommends:
- Examining what the absence of self-compassion serves or protects you from
- Understanding why you resist being compassionate with yourself
- Recognizing that forcing self-compassion doesn't work - you need to address the underlying resistance
Conclusion
Vienna Pharaon offers a framework for understanding how unresolved childhood experiences create patterns in our adult lives. By acknowledging these wounds, witnessing and grieving the experiences, and consciously creating new patterns, we can develop healthier relationships and communication styles. The process is not about perfection, but about making small shifts over time with self-compassion. By extending the space between stimulus and response, we can move from reactive patterns to conscious choices in our relationships.