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May 27, 2024 • 1hr 50min
#789 - Neil Strauss - Why The World’s #1 Pickup Artist Left The Game Behind
Modern Wisdom
Neil Strauss is a journalist, writer and author best known for his book "The Game" about pickup artistry. In this wide-ranging conversation, Neil reflects on his evolving views on relationships, personal growth, and healing childhood patterns over the past 20 years. He shares insights from his experiences writing about dating, exploring non-monogamy, going through divorce, and now having another child with his ex-wife. Neil discusses the tools and modalities he's found most effective for personal transformation and unpacking unconscious patterns.
#789 - Neil Strauss - Why The World’s #1 Pickup Artist Left The Game Behind
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Key Takeaways
- Neil Strauss has evolved from writing about pickup artistry in "The Game" to exploring deeper relationship dynamics, self-improvement, and healing childhood patterns
- He advocates a three-step process for personal growth:
- Deep intensive experiences/workshops to unpack emotional wounds
- Regular accountability through therapy or support groups
- Tools to use in moments of crisis or triggering
- Enmeshment is when a child's role is to meet their parent's emotional needs, leading to difficulty with intimacy and boundaries in adult relationships
- Self-compassion involves talking to yourself like the parent you needed, not the parent you had
- Low self-esteem can be a driver of great achievements, but it's important to have compassion for yourself when you struggle with self-compassion
- Elite performers often pay a heavy psychological price for their success and achievements
- Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments in relationships
Introduction
Neil Strauss is a journalist, writer and author best known for his book "The Game" about pickup artistry. In this wide-ranging conversation, Neil reflects on his evolving views on relationships, personal growth, and healing childhood patterns over the past 20 years. He shares insights from his experiences writing about dating, exploring non-monogamy, going through divorce, and now having another child with his ex-wife. Neil discusses the tools and modalities he's found most effective for personal transformation and unpacking unconscious patterns.
Topics Discussed
Neil's Relationship Journey (1:46)
Neil describes his "trajectory of perspective on relationships" over the years:
- Started with "The Game" trying to solve dating/courtship issues
- Moved on to exploring deeper relationship dynamics and his own patterns
- Now in a positive co-parenting relationship with his ex-wife, even having another child together
Neil emphasizes that relationships are a system - if you change one part (yourself), the whole system changes. He cautions against trying to change your partner, as that often creates resentment.
Current State of Men's Mental Health and Relationships (33:50)
Chris shares his perspective that many men feel their struggles are being dismissed by society, leading to bitterness. Neil counters that it's important not to get sucked into online narratives and instead focus on real-world connections and communities.
Neil states: "There's an unhealthy game of thinking that the voices that are loud online and the TikToks that could fed into our feed and the tweets we see are somehow the belief of the culture and it can really mess us up."
Three-Step Process for Personal Growth (56:52)
Neil outlines his recommended three-step process for personal growth and healing:
- Deep intensive experiences/workshops to emotionally unpack wounds (e.g. The Meadows Survivors Program)
- Regular accountability through therapy or support groups
- Tools to use in moments of crisis or triggering
He emphasizes the importance of having a "container" to do deep emotional work safely away from daily life.
Enmeshment in Relationships (1:28:25)
Neil explains the concept of enmeshment:
- The opposite of abandonment in parent-child relationships
- When a child's role is to meet the parent's emotional needs
- Can lead to difficulty with intimacy and boundaries in adult relationships
- Signs include feeling sorry for the parent, being their "therapist", etc.
Neil states: "Enmeshment examples are examples in which children meet their parents' needs. Could be, one is a parent who's really depressed and you're trying to cheer him up."
Self-Compassion and Reparenting (1:41:42)
Neil shares a tool for developing more self-compassion:
- Notice negative self-talk
- Imagine throwing that thought out of your head
- Replace it with a more compassionate, truthful thought
- Talk to yourself like the parent you needed, not the parent you had
He emphasizes: "Self-compassion is talking to yourself like the parent you needed and not the parent you had."
The Power of Low Self-Esteem (1:46:06)
Neil discusses his upcoming book "The Power of Low Self-Esteem":
- Explores how great historical figures often had low self-esteem
- Low self-esteem can drive people to achieve great things
- It's okay to not always feel like you're enough
- Having compassion for yourself when you lack self-compassion
Neil reflects: "Maybe the greatest self-compassion we can have for ourselves is being compassionate for ourselves when we don't have self-compassion for ourselves."
The Price of Elite Performance (1:47:05)
Chris and Neil discuss the psychological toll of being a high achiever:
- Elite performers often pay a heavy price for their success
- Example of Elon Musk describing his mind as "a storm"
- High-intensity people may create chaos to feel normal
Neil notes: "Here's a person who needs to be in chaos and intensity just to feel normal and he's replicating that and it's not about anything else."
Neil's Current Projects (1:48:20)
Neil shares some of his current work:
- "To Die For" podcast about a Russian seductress/spy
- "To Live and Die in LA" podcast investigating missing persons cases
- Upcoming book "The Power of Low Self-Esteem"
Conclusion
This wide-ranging conversation covered Neil Strauss's evolution from writing about pickup artistry to exploring deeper relationship dynamics and personal growth. Key themes included the importance of doing intensive emotional work, maintaining regular accountability, and developing tools to manage triggering moments. Neil emphasized the value of self-compassion and reparenting ourselves, while also acknowledging that low self-esteem can sometimes drive great achievements. The discussion highlighted how even highly successful people often struggle with inner turmoil, reinforcing the need for compassion both for ourselves and others.