February 14, 2022 • 2hr 30min
The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment
Huberman Lab
Key Takeaways
- Desire, love and attachment involve three key neural circuits:
- The autonomic nervous system - regulates arousal and calm states
- Empathy circuits - allow us to match emotional states with others
- Positive delusion circuits - lead us to see our partner in an idealized way
- Our childhood attachment styles strongly influence our adult romantic attachment patterns
- Autonomic nervous system coordination between partners is crucial for desire, love and stable attachments
- People tend to pair up romantically with those who have either similar or complementary autonomic tendencies
- Positive delusions about one's partner predict more stable long-term relationships
- Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt are major predictors of relationship failure
- Subconscious factors like pheromones and hormones play a big role in attraction and mate selection
- Supplements like maca, tongkat ali and tribulus can potentially increase libido in some people
Introduction
In this episode, Dr. Andrew Huberman discusses the psychology and biology of desire, love and attachment. He explores how childhood attachment patterns influence adult romantic relationships, the key neural circuits involved in love and bonding, factors that predict relationship stability or failure, and the role of subconscious biological processes in attraction and mate selection. Huberman also covers some science-based tools and supplements that may help increase libido and sexual desire.
Topics Discussed
Childhood Attachment Styles (22:04)
Huberman discusses the influential work of Mary Ainsworth and the "Strange Situation" experiments that revealed four main childhood attachment styles:
- Secure attachment - Child is upset when caregiver leaves but happy upon return
- Anxious-avoidant attachment - Child shows little emotion when caregiver leaves or returns
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment - Child is very distressed at separation and difficult to comfort upon return
- Disorganized attachment - Child shows odd, tense behaviors upon separation/return
These early attachment patterns strongly influence our adult romantic attachment styles, though they can change over time. Understanding one's attachment style can be very useful for improving relationships.
Key Neural Circuits for Love and Attachment (52:08)
Huberman outlines three main neural circuits involved in desire, love and attachment:
- Autonomic nervous system - Regulates arousal, calm, and physiological states. Coordination between partners' autonomic states is crucial.
- Empathy circuits - Allow us to match emotional states with others. Involve the prefrontal cortex and insula.
- Positive delusion circuits - Lead us to see our partner in an idealized way. Predict more stable attachments.
The interplay between these circuits drives the formation and maintenance of romantic bonds. Autonomic coordination in particular is key for desire, love and stable attachments.
Factors Predicting Relationship Stability or Failure (1:15:20)
Huberman discusses research by John Gottman on behaviors that predict relationship outcomes:
"Gottman can predict divorce with 94% accuracy"
The "Four Horsemen" that predict relationship failure:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Contempt (the most destructive)
Positive behaviors like expressing appreciation, responding to bids for connection, and maintaining fondness/admiration predict relationship stability.
Mate Selection and Autonomic Compatibility (1:21:22)
Huberman discusses research by Helen Fisher on how people tend to pair up romantically:
- High dopamine types (novelty-seeking) tend to pair with other high dopamine types
- High serotonin types (rule-following, traditional) tend to pair with other high serotonin types
- High testosterone types (directive) tend to pair with high estrogen types (nurturing)
This suggests people seek partners with either similar or complementary autonomic tendencies. Understanding these patterns can help in finding compatible partners.
Subconscious Factors in Attraction (2:08:56)
Huberman emphasizes the powerful role of subconscious biological factors in attraction and mate selection, including:
- Pheromones and body odor
- Hormones like testosterone and estrogen
- Menstrual cycle phase
- "Chemistry" and gut feelings
These subconscious processes often drive who we find attractive before conscious factors come into play.
Supplements for Increasing Libido (2:12:44)
Huberman reviews research on supplements that may increase libido and sexual desire:
- Maca root (2-3g/day) - Shown to increase libido in multiple studies (2:20:20)
- Tongkat ali (400mg/day) - May increase free testosterone and libido (2:25:58)
- Tribulus terrestris (750mg-6g/day) - Some evidence for increasing testosterone and libido, especially in women (2:28:56)
Huberman emphasizes checking with a doctor before taking any supplements and that they are not necessary for healthy libido.
Conclusion
This episode provides a comprehensive overview of the biology and psychology underlying desire, love and attachment. Key takeaways include the importance of autonomic nervous system coordination between partners, how childhood attachment patterns influence adult relationships, and factors that predict relationship stability or failure. Huberman also discusses how subconscious biological processes play a major role in attraction and mate selection. Understanding these mechanisms can help people form healthier, more stable romantic attachments. The episode concludes with some evidence-based supplements that may help increase libido, though Huberman emphasizes they are not necessary for most people. Overall, this information can help listeners better understand the scientific basis of romantic love and apply that knowledge to improve their relationships.
