November 29, 2021 • 2hr 10min

Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term

Huberman Lab

In this episode, Andrew Huberman interviews Dr. David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin and one of the founding members of the field of evolutionary psychology. Dr. Buss is an expert on human mating strategies and has conducted extensive cross-cultural research on mate preferences and selection. The conversation covers a wide range of topics related to human mating psychology, including long-term and short-term mate preferences, deception in courtship, causes of infidelity, jealousy and mate retention tactics, and darker aspects of human mating like intimate partner violence and stalking. Dr. Buss provides insights from an evolutionary psychology perspective on why humans have evolved certain mating behaviors and preferences.

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Key Takeaways

Mate preferences differ for long-term vs. short-term relationships. For long-term mates, both men and women desire qualities like intelligence, kindness, and emotional stability. For short-term mates, physical attractiveness becomes more important, especially for men.
There are universal mate preferences across cultures, including desires for intelligence, kindness, and mutual attraction/love in long-term mates. However, the importance of qualities like virginity varies widely across cultures.
Men and women have some differing mate preferences. On average, women place more importance on a mate's earning capacity and social status, while men place more importance on physical attractiveness and relative youth.
People engage in deception in mating contexts, often exaggerating qualities desired by the opposite s*x (e.g. men exaggerating income/status, women underreporting weight).
Infidelity occurs for different primary reasons in men vs. women. For men, it's often driven by desire for sexual variety. For women, it's more often due to dissatisfaction with their primary relationship.
Jealousy serves evolutionary functions like mate retention, but can lead to harmful behaviors like intimate partner violence in extreme cases.
The "dark triad" personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) are associated with more sexual deception and coercion, especially in men.
Mate value and perceived discrepancies in mate value between partners play a major role in relationship dynamics, including jealousy and mate retention behaviors.

Introduction

In this episode, Andrew Huberman interviews Dr. David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin and one of the founding members of the field of evolutionary psychology. Dr. Buss is an expert on human mating strategies and has conducted extensive cross-cultural research on mate preferences and selection.

The conversation covers a wide range of topics related to human mating psychology, including long-term and short-term mate preferences, deception in courtship, causes of infidelity, jealousy and mate retention tactics, and darker aspects of human mating like intimate partner violence and stalking. Dr. Buss provides insights from an evolutionary psychology perspective on why humans have evolved certain mating behaviors and preferences.

Topics Discussed

Evolutionary Framework for Mate Choice (8:33)

Darwin's theory of sexual selection explains the evolution of traits that provide mating advantages rather than survival advantages
Two key processes: intrasexual competition and intersexual selection (mate choice)
In humans, we have mutual mate choice - both sexes are choosy about mates
Mate preferences in one s*x set the ground rules for competition in the opposite s*x

Long-Term Mate Preferences (13:40)

Long-term pair bonding is rare in mammals but common in humans
Universal desires across cultures for long-term mates include:
- Intelligence
- Kindness
- Mutual attraction and love
- Dependability
- Emotional stability
- Good health
Dr. Buss conducted a study across 37 cultures that found these universal preferences

S*x Differences in Long-Term Mate Preferences (18:31)

Women more than men prioritize:
- Good earning capacity
- Social status
- Ambition/industriousness
- Slightly older age
Men more than women prioritize:
- Physical attractiveness
- Relative youth
These s*x differences are consistent across cultures

Age Preferences and Mating History (25:10)

Men tend to prefer women a few years younger, women prefer men a few years older
As men age, they prefer increasingly younger women relative to their own age
Actual age gaps in marriages tend to increase with subsequent marriages
When unconstrained by mutual choice (e.g. powerful men), male preference for youth is more evident

Deception in Courtship (32:20)

Both men and women engage in deception, often exaggerating qualities desired by the opposite s*x
Common deceptions:
- Men exaggerate income/status and add a couple inches to height
- Women underreport weight and post misleading photos
Deception is harder to maintain with in-person meetings
Some qualities like emotional stability can only be assessed over time

Short-Term Mating Criteria (41:56)

Physical appearance becomes more important, especially for women
Women are more attracted to "bad boy" qualities in short-term mates
Men are willing to lower their standards for short-term mating
Women's attraction is more context-dependent than men's

Causes of Infidelity (46:25)

Primary motive for male infidelity: Desire for sexual variety (about 70% of cases)
Primary motives for female infidelity: Dissatisfaction with primary relationship, mate switching
Women who have affairs are more likely to become emotionally involved
Actual rates of genetic cuckoldry (mistaken paternity) are low, around 2-3%

Jealousy and Mate Retention (1:10:10)

Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves mate guarding/retention functions
Triggered by threats to valued relationships, including:
- Cues to partner's infidelity
- Presence of interested mate poachers
- Mate value discrepancies between partners
Mate retention tactics range from vigilance to violence in extreme cases

Intimate Partner Violence (1:24:13)

About 28-30% of married couples experience intimate partner violence
More often perpetrated by men, though women also engage in violence
Can serve to reduce perceived mate value discrepancies
Specificity of violence (e.g. abdominal blows during pregnancy) suggests evolved functions

The Dark Triad (1:27:33)

Refers to narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy
Associated with sexual deception, harassment, and coercion
More prevalent in men than women
Dark triad individuals are often skilled at seduction but poor relationship partners

Stalking (1:33:25)

About 80% of criminal stalkers are men
Often motivated by attempts to reestablish a relationship or interfere with ex-partner's future mating
Works to reestablish the relationship in about 15% of cases

Impact of Children on Mate Value (1:39:15)

Having children generally decreases mate value, especially for women
Viewed as a cost by potential new partners
Can create compatibility with others who also have children

Non-Monogamy and Unconventional Relationships (1:46:40)

Attempts to satisfy some evolved desires (e.g. variety) while managing others (e.g. jealousy)
Men more likely to initiate polyamorous arrangements
Women sometimes agree as a mate retention tactic
Couples create specific rules/boundaries

Self-Assessment of Mate Value (1:54:00)

People are generally fairly accurate at assessing their own mate value
Self-esteem may serve as an internal tracking mechanism for mate value
Both consensual and individual components to mate value assessments
Attention from potential mates serves as a cue to one's mate value

Conclusion

Dr. Buss provides a wealth of insights into human mating psychology from an evolutionary perspective. Key themes that emerge include: 1) universal mate preferences that exist across cultures, 2) consistent s*x differences in mate preferences shaped by different adaptive problems faced by men and women, 3) the prevalence of deception and strategic behavior in mating contexts, and 4) evolved emotions like jealousy that function to solve adaptive mating problems but can lead to harmful behaviors in extreme cases.

The discussion highlights how an evolutionary approach can shed light on puzzling aspects of human mating behavior. Dr. Buss emphasizes that we can't change our evolved mating psychology, but understanding it can help us navigate relationships more successfully. He expresses hope that evolutionary psychology and neuroscience will continue to merge to provide a more complete understanding of the mechanisms underlying human mating behavior.