Loading...
October 2, 2023 • 2hr 51min
Chris Voss: How to Succeed at Hard Conversations
Huberman Lab
In this episode, Andrew Huberman interviews Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the bestselling book "Never Split the Difference." Voss shares insights and techniques from his decades of experience in high-stakes negotiations that can be applied to everyday conversations and conflicts. He explains how to navigate difficult discussions in business, relationships, and other areas of life using tactical empathy, specific questioning techniques, and an understanding of human psychology.
Chris Voss: How to Succeed at Hard Conversations
0:00
-0:00
Key Takeaways
- Approaching negotiations with a playful, curious mindset can lead to better outcomes than being overly serious or aggressive
- Using a calm, low "late night FM DJ" voice can help de-escalate tense situations and calm both yourself and the other person
- Avoid using phrases like "win-win" early in negotiations, as they often correlate with someone trying to take advantage
- Leading with generosity and doing favors for others before asking for anything builds goodwill and collaboration
- In hostile negotiations, use passive aggressive techniques like asking lots of "how" and "what" questions to exhaust the other side
- Look for specificity in threats or demands as an indicator of how serious they are
- Urgency and pressure to act quickly are often red flags for scams or manipulation
- Use "tactical empathy" - demonstrating understanding of the other person's perspective - to build rapport and influence
- The mirroring technique of repeating back 1-3 words the other person said is a simple but powerful communication tool
- Proactively label and acknowledge negative emotions to defuse them before they escalate
Introduction
In this episode, Andrew Huberman interviews Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the bestselling book "Never Split the Difference." Voss shares insights and techniques from his decades of experience in high-stakes negotiations that can be applied to everyday conversations and conflicts. He explains how to navigate difficult discussions in business, relationships, and other areas of life using tactical empathy, specific questioning techniques, and an understanding of human psychology.
Topics Discussed
Negotiation Mindset and Approach (4:59)
Voss emphasizes the importance of approaching negotiations with the right mindset:
- Be curious and try to figure out what's really going on beneath the surface
- Determine quickly if there's actually a deal to be made or if you should walk away
- A playful, lighthearted approach can lead to surprisingly good outcomes
- Being in a great mood allows you to joke around and build rapport
"Great negotiation is not exciting. It's astonishing." - Chris Voss
Using Voice and Tone Strategically (11:41)
Voss discusses how to use your voice strategically in negotiations:
- A calm, low "late night FM DJ" voice helps de-escalate tense situations
- This voice calms both yourself and the other person
- There is neuroscience evidence that low frequency sounds entrain the brain to a calmer state
The Problem with "Win-Win" (18:59)
Voss cautions against using the phrase "win-win" early in negotiations:
- It often correlates with someone trying to take advantage
- Can set people up to get "slaughtered" if they're not careful
- Focus on making both sides feel good about the outcome, not necessarily equal gains
Leading with Generosity (28:38)
Voss emphasizes the power of leading with generosity:
- Do favors and provide value before asking for anything in return
- Builds goodwill and makes people more likely to help you later
- Example of Joe Polish's Genius Network - did favors for Voss before he joined
Dealing with Hostile Negotiations (33:44)
For hostile negotiations, Voss recommends:
- Use passive aggressive techniques to wear the other side down
- Ask lots of "how" and "what" questions to make them think and get tired
- Exhaust a dangerous adversary rather than going head-to-head
Recognizing Patterns and Specificity (39:40)
Voss explains how to recognize important patterns:
- Look for specificity in threats or demands as an indicator of seriousness
- Vague threats often mean they're bluffing
- Be wary of the "double dip" - taking payment then asking for more
Dealing with Urgency and Pressure (48:15)
Voss cautions about urgency and pressure tactics:
- Requests for urgent action are often red flags for scams
- Take time to verify and ask questions before acting
- Don't let artificial time pressure force you into bad decisions
Asking Fair Questions (54:46)
Voss emphasizes the power of asking fair, legitimate questions:
- Questions like "How do I know you'll follow through?" are fair to ask
- Gets the other side to explain their position more
- Helps uncover potential issues or lack of commitment
Understanding Human Nature (1:02:18)
Voss shares insights on human nature in negotiations:
- "Vision drives decision" - people need to envision how things will play out
- Get them to explain implementation to gauge their commitment
- Understanding predictable human behaviors gives you an advantage
Reading Body Language and Gut Instincts (1:07:47)
On reading body language and trusting instincts:
- Focus on overall alignment of words, tone, and body language
- Trust your gut instincts about people and situations
- There may be unconscious cues we pick up on that science can't yet explain
Face-to-Face vs. Online Communication (1:15:42)
Voss compares face-to-face and online communication:
- In person, look for overall alignment of verbal/non-verbal cues
- Online, keep messages short and focused on one point at a time
- Avoid bundling too much into a single text or email
Handling Breakups and Firing (1:26:47)
For difficult conversations like breakups or firing someone:
- Be direct and get to the point quickly - don't drag it out
- Warn them bad news is coming, then deliver it within 3 seconds
- If firing someone, do it on a Monday so they have the work week to recover
Understanding Ego Depletion (1:32:16)
Voss discusses the concept of ego depletion:
- Defending one's position for a long time depletes mental energy
- Can lead people to give in when worn down
- But agreements made this way often don't stick long-term
Preparing for Negotiations (1:37:35)
To prepare for unexpected negotiations:
- Practice "small stakes" interactions regularly (e.g. with service workers)
- Keep your negotiation skills sharp through daily practice
- Use techniques like labeling emotions in low-stakes situations
Dealing with Venting and Emotions (1:45:17)
For handling people who are venting or emotional:
- Don't just let them vent endlessly - it can spiral
- Use labeling to identify the emotions behind the venting
- Help them feel heard and understood to defuse the emotions
Self-Care and Recharging (1:51:41)
Voss emphasizes the importance of self-care:
- Physical fitness, diet, cold plunges, sauna for recovery
- Spiritual practices like prayer or meditation
- Using humor and camaraderie with colleagues to decompress
Handling Long Negotiations (1:57:01)
For long, multi-day negotiations:
- Have faith in the process and your team
- Take breaks and time off to recharge when possible
- Be prepared to keep someone talking if needed (e.g. during a raid)
Using Tactical Empathy (2:08:50)
Voss explains his concept of "tactical empathy":
- Actively demonstrating understanding of the other's perspective
- Not about liking or agreeing, just showing you understand
- Powerful way to build rapport and influence
The Mirroring Technique (2:15:27)
Voss details the simple but powerful mirroring technique:
- Repeat back 1-3 words the other person just said
- Gets them to expand on their thoughts
- Shows you're listening and builds connection
Proactive Listening (2:22:20)
On proactive listening:
- Anticipate and label likely negative emotions before they arise
- Defuses the negatives before they can escalate
- Creates a barrier against those emotions taking hold
Conclusion
Chris Voss provides a wealth of practical negotiation and communication techniques drawn from his extensive experience as an FBI hostage negotiator. His approach emphasizes understanding human psychology, using tactical empathy to build rapport, and employing specific verbal techniques to defuse conflict and reach better outcomes. By mastering skills like mirroring, labeling emotions, and asking the right questions, anyone can dramatically improve their ability to navigate difficult conversations and negotiations in both personal and professional settings.
